From since I could remember myself, I’ve always had self-esteem issues. I don’t think there was something about me that I wasn’t insecure about. And now that I’m sitting and thinking about it, I cannot remember what caused me to feel so insecure about every little thing and when it started happening. But what I do know, is that since I joined the whole social media scene, I have never felt more insecure.
While in secondary school, there were a lot of popular girls around me. Which was weird. Because I mean puberty hadn’t knock us down like a bus yet and already these girls (I went to an all-girls school, how groovy) were the hottest thing on the block. And what my sweet and naive self realized is that all these girls had the latest phones (and by the latest phones, I mean Blackberrys and Motorola Razrs) and knew all the cutest boys. Thank God I pursued none of them because those boys are not cute anymore.
I felt the incessant need to be like these girls so I strived in every way to be cool just like them. But no matter what, I just never seemed to fit in. So I guess I was one of the unpopular girls to graduate in 2014. After I left school, I decided to still try at this “becoming popular” thing again so I joined all the hippest social media sites; sites like Snapchat, Instagram, even BBM (Lord who was I?) I felt that being involved in all these sites gave me some sense of security, and it became a distraction for me in every aspect of my life.
However, it became worse when I started demanding attention from my “friends” online. I’d unnecessarily post a lot, always comment on things, added people I never met in my life and so much more. And that evidently brought me to the point of social media addiction (yes, I will admit I was once addicted to social media). (Okay, maybe I still am, but only for the memes I swear).
I started equating my self-worth to the amount of likes I got on my pictures and statuses and whenever I didn’t get enough likes, I’d delete them hoping no one would see how much of a loser I was. And I could say that that accounted for like 75%, if not more, of my extremely low self-esteem.
I can safely say though, that I’ve broken free of my need to seek approval of people behind phone screens. I no longer care about the amount of likes or views I get on something that I post. I’m still worthy even with my lil 60-something likes and I always will be. Sometimes I wish someone was there to tell me all these things when I was 13 and counting. I still feel sad whenever I think of teenager Antoria. But I hope she’s proud of 20 year old her.
Now don’t get me wrong. I still have self-esteem issues LOL. I just don’t feel insecure about myself when it comes to social media any more. And that’s one battle won. About 100 more to go.