CW: Mention of self-harm and suicide attempts.
I know people say that creatives shouldn’t have to apologize for taking breaks from their craft because it’s imperative that they put their mental, emotional, physical and all the other -als first.
However I still think it’s a bit of a good thing to just remind people that y’know… You’re not dead or anything lol. So, after reading a comment left on one of my posts by a lovely woman by the name of Milly, I’m writing this post now as a way of letting my readers know that I’m still alive, still breathing… And just learning to be okay again. 🙂
I’ve been extremely down and out for the past couple of months. Mainly because of my seasonal depression, I assume. I felt my mood and my energy gradually decreasing as soon as October came around but I tried so hard to fight against it. However, the fighting became exhausting. I’d be crying every single day. I self-harmed more than I’ve ever done in my life and I’d either starve myself or overeat.
It was a mess.
It felt like being trapped in quicksand and sinking for eternity. I wanted it to end. I really did. And I attempted to do so.
One day, it became too much. Too much to handle. Too much to fight against. I wanted out. I left work with the sole intent of taking my life. But I didn’t. Rather, I didn’t think I could. I’m so happy that I’m still here today. And I’ve become a lot stronger since then. I’ve been writing more (I have a pile just waiting to be uploaded lol). I’ve been trying (emphasis on the word trying there) to eat healthier and indulge in more fun activities to help me in the fight against my anxiety and depression. Ya girl’s been trying her very best.
Apart from my mental health, I also had a lack of resources, namely a laptop for posting and it was extremely draining. I had the option of posting from my phone, I’m not gonna lie, but it’s just not the same. I have a laptop now though! Content coming soon. 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to progress in blogging. I didn’t create Finding Satori to remain on a small scale; I want my baby to grow. I plan on becoming self-hosted (as of the 12th of December, I became self-hosted so the new website is www.findingsatori.com), creating a podcast for Finding Satori, getting more guest posters to write about things that I may not have the knowledge to write on (I’m learning as well) and many more things. I’m excited for 2019… I want to make that the year that I reach out to thousands of people around the world suffering from mental illness.
But yes. I really want to thank Milly for pushing me to write this. It feels good to be able to let all of this out of my system in a healthy way. Thank you for reading and look forward to some more content from me soon. 🤗
IMPORTANT: I have switched over from WordPress.com to WordPress.org. I’m still not too sure how everything works with the switch (in terms of my followers being notified of new posts, stats etc.) But this is just to notify all of my old followers, as well as my new followers.