I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Within the past few weeks, I’ve been going through a lot of strange motions; most of them not even I myself could explain. And the burden of not being able to understand the shit you’re going through is a living nightmare.
However, despite these strange and cumbersome series of events, I’ve still tried my very best to be there for my close friends or for anyone in general, in their time of need. Because, honestly, I’ve always been that girl. I’ve always been that friend; the friend that puts you first regardless. It’s like this character trait that was embedded in my soul since the day of my conception perhaps and I’ve never been able to deviate from that, no matter how hard I’d try.
No matter how many times I’ve told myself “This month is all about me!” or “I’m putting myself first!”, within the first few days, I’d be in my friend’s DMs helping them with whatever issue they’re facing, providing all of my time and effort to assure them that they’re not alone and that with support, they’ll be able to overcome these issues.
I’m writing this post to tell you that I think I’ve driven myself to the point of complete and utter mental and physical exhaustion.
My life is a shit show right now; shit keeps piling up and I keep repressing all of it. For what reason? Because I haven’t been putting myself as a top priority.
My insomnia has been at an all-time BAD. I’ve had 2 panic attacks for the week already. I’ve lost all passion for blogging. I’ve been crying a lot. I’m just gradually deteriorating and I have no idea what to do.
I haven’t been taking care of myself and I’m paying for it now.
Even as I’m writing this post, I can’t help but cry because this is possibly the first time I’m actually getting all my feelings out. And even now, I’m still repressing.
And all of this has been going through my mind for weeks.
Now I can probably guess you’re wondering “Antoria, what’s even the point of this post?”
I’ll sum it up in 4 words: Take care of yourself.
You are your greatest investment. You have to make sure everything is right with you first and foremost. And of course it’s going to be weird hearing that from me as I literally just went into detail about how I’ve been doing everything but. I’m learning, cut me some slack.
I recently saw a tweet being circulated where someone’s friend suffered a stroke due to intense levels of stress and anxiety. Mental and physical health are so intertwined and we fail to see that. However, mental health is always deemed as less important until it’s too late.
Let’s take care of ourselves. Before we take care of others.