I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.
And it’s weird when I say that because with depression and anxiety, sometimes it’s hard for you to remember the person you were before your world came crashing down around you slowly but violently.
However, what I’ve been feeling lately… The person I’ve been lately… That’s not me.
I’ve been trying my hardest to get myself together; to find a place of peace and togetherness. It’s a really hard journey but I’ve been footing it regardless. But no matter what, something always comes up and throws me off.
I had a panic attack last week Friday.
In my work place.
Full blown. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop crying. I needed out. ASAP.
I know what triggered it, but I’ll probably address that in another blog post.
In order to cope, the manic side of me decided to rush to a bar after work and get flat out wasted.
And it got ugly fast.
There was vomit everywhere. I was panicking even more.
“How would I get home?” “I know no one here!” “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?”
Fortunately for me, I was still well aware enough to send voicenotes and messages of me drunk crying to my friends and one of them offered to drop me home.
I got home safely. But the amount of alcohol I consumed still has me fazed out.
My heart is still heavy. I’m still crying as I write this random post. I’m still really in this deep dark depressing abyss.
And I really want to get out.