I’ve noticed something recently.
For years, I’ve been telling myself that during the times where I was at my lowest or the times where I genuinely felt like giving up on everything… that something was definitely wrong with the overall makeup of my brain and that I wasn’t normal for constantly experiencing these deep, dark and depressive episodes.
With that thought process, I resorted to beating down on myself all the time and well, after some time, that became a habit. It was like a stimulus and response type situation;
Something inconvenient happens > Sent into unnecessary depressive state > Self-hate and sabotage begins > Panic/Anxiety attack ensues.
It became draining. And no one understood.
No matter how many times I tried to explain my thought process to the ones closest to me, no one seemed to be able to grasp what I’ve been experiencing fully and I felt alone. It always looked as though I was overreacting on the outside to everyone else and that most certainly did not make having to cope with my mental illness any easier.
So not only was I dealing with the gruesome battle between myself and my mind, I was also faced with the reality that no one, not even my family or my best friends, understood exactly how much this ordeal has been affecting me.
But every problem has a solution.
After some self-evaluation, hysterical sobbing and binge watching of Arrested Development, I realized that it’s okay for me to not be okay all the time.
Life can become so overwhelming that I actually tend to forget that I have a mental illness, and that this behavior (although totally not healthy) is normal for me.
I have Major Depressive Disorder so yes I will have persistent moods of sadness, anxiety and emptiness. I will have feelings of hopelessness. I will have an incredibly hard time making decisions. I will have panic/anxiety attacks.
I will have extremely bad days. And Twitter will be the first place to hear me ramble about them.
But guess what?
I have to remember that with an illness, comes symptoms. Physical and mental.
You’re not a monster for feeling sad. You’re human. And no human is perfect.
It’s okay to not be okay.