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It's not you… It's me.

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Today was the first day I tried doing “Mindfulness Breathing Meditation”. I mean, for someone who has a tendency to overthink a lot and has close to no control of where their mind goes on a daily basis, it was really freakin’ hard. Pretty sure I broke a sweat forcing myself to actually sit there in the dark, perfectly still, thinking of nothing.

After the quite tedious session, I was advised to spend my day in total self-awareness. That bit was also pretty hard considering the fact that my job requires me to be so focused on so many things that involve other persons, that it kinda takes away a lot of time for me to focus on myself (unless I’m hungry, then yeah I’m definitely thinking of myself right there).

Coming to the end of my day though, I was on a call with a customer (I work at a call center, yay) and it was in that moment that I actually tuned in and I focused on myself. I realized something about myself that I didn’t quite like at all.

I become very easily irritated and extremely angry at times.

I allow things to get to me. I have lost that sense of remaining calm in situations where I am expected to react after being stirred in the wrong way. I speak too quickly when I’m upset and that actually results in me saying things that I don’t mean.

I’m not too proud of myself for these things.

While walking home today, I did some further self-introspection and I tried to link these bad characteristics to my failed relationships in the past and I was able to connect some dots that where left hanging around for years.

I plan on working on these things.

I’m really glad I took the time out to conduct that meditation session today. Self-care involves self-awareness. Sometimes it’s not the environment in which we’re in is the problem; sometimes the problem can be you.

I urge all who read this to just spend 5 mins a day, just sitting down and breathing and becoming aware of self. I hope this helps us in the long-term to find some sense of peace. Some sense of grounding.

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