Recently, I was talking to a good friend of mine during one of my mini anxiety attacks (jeez I seem to have those a lot) and I was venting to him about my intense fears of commitment (I also always seem to vent to him a lot about my pointless troubles, thanks for still being my friend, FRIEND). I wish I could include a screenshot of the conversation for you to save myself the trouble of both trying to remember what was said and typing what was said but in short, basically I was saying that I can’t ever see myself committing to a person ever again due to the fact that I’m scared that that person would just up and decide they no longer love me and just… Leave. Forever seems to have no meaning to me anymore. And that’s solely because I always have this gnawing thought in the back of my mind, telling me that something, somewhere is gonna go wrong, one way or the other.
GIMME A T-R-A-U-M-A! What’s that spell? TRAUMA!
It’s kinda like when you were a kid, and your mom or dad just bought you that new Barbie or some action figure thing (sorry I’m not a guy so I don’t know what guys really liked as kids). But on a side note, I think Barbie could totally be referred to as an action figure because she was a total badass and boy did she have some action in her life. Back to the point. You just got your new Barbie or Buzz Lightyear thing and you are IN LOVE. You’re totally fascinated by the fact that it can talk, walk and do all sorts of stuff inanimate objects SHOULD NOT be able to do (I’m on to you, robots). But a few months later, you start losing interest. You’re still playing with it, but to you, it’s just not the same anymore. The enthusiasm you had when you first got it, is dwindling. You decide to yourself that you want something else. Your parents take you to the store and you see something WAY BETTER than the current toy that you have and you make up your mind to get it. Now, here you are, living it up with your new toy, while your old toy is left in the corner… Collecting dust until it is no more.
Sorry. As I said before, I’m really bad at analogies but that’s the best way I can explain how I see this whole thing. And the sad thing about this trauma is… You tend to shut yourself away because of the hurt. So much so, that the next best thing could be right around the corner but you’ve already built your walls so high, you would always assume that this person is going to be just like the others. It’s like meeting the same person who broke your heart in the first place, in different bodies.
I had dreams of getting married and having a cute lil family with cute lil kittens (mind you, I still do). But when I really think about it, the cute lil kittens part seems like just enough for me.