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Borderline Caroline. (Part 2 of 2).

“I think she’s a little unstable, you know…In her mind.” “Stop being so dramatic!” “You weren’t like this yesterday. What is wrong with you?” “Not everything is about you.” “You don’t seem to have a mental illness.”

 

Lol that last one is righteous. Hi guys! Before I get started with this post, I’d just like to take some time to thank each and every one of you that have been following my blog for the last month. I honestly can’t believe I’ve lasted this long because let’s face it, I don’t commit to things for long oops. When you guys read my work, it fuels me to write more. So, thank you!

 

Last week I touched on the topic of depression; I listed some of the main symptoms of depression that you as a person can keep your eyes peeled for in your daily interactions with people. Now please don’t go out there and start diagnosing everyone left right and center, that is actually not cool lol. Observe with caution. Anyway! Today we’re going to address a not-so-acknowledged form of mental illness… And that is Borderline Personality Disorder. As always, I can’t speak for others on this topic, I can only share my personal experiences to educate you so that you can become aware of the fact that mental illness is real.

 

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According to www.nimh.nih.gov, Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP) “is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships.” This is a mental illness that is very hard to understand but hold your seats, I’m gonna try my best to explain the intricacies of BDP. When someone has BDP, nothing is considered “set” in their lives; there’s always change. Change in moods, change in personalities, change in life choices… There’s change in every aspect of their lives. People with BDP also feel and express emotions way more than the average person. Sadness isn’t just sadness for them; it’s sadness mixed with anxiety marinated in some anger with a dash of guilt. It’s everything all at once. And usually when these intense emotions are felt, they tend to become impulsive and they do some pretty questionable things as a means of coping. That, my friend, is Borderline Personality Disorder. Don’t cross the border, you say? Oh sir, the border has been crossed a long time ago. Below are a few signs of BDP that you should know about:

 

  • Desperate efforts to avoid abandonment: The idea of someone we’ve become attached to leaving us is always a hard pill to swallow. Well, persons with BDP would do any and everything to avoid having to even hold the pill. All standards are thrown out the window in this case, and questionable things are done to ensure that no one they love leaves. From buying expensive gifts to impress someone to performing over-the-top spoiling gestures to said person to make sure they continue loving them to even breaking up with someone before they do to make sure they don’t hurt you. It’s a lot to understand. On rare occasions, there would be instances where someone with BDP would threaten this person by telling them that they’re going to commit suicide so to evoke some sympathy from them. Please understand that this is not for attention; people with BDP aren’t willingly doing this. It’s just that abandonment is one of the worst things they’d ever want to experience and when they lash out like this… It’s because they honestly can’t think of a life without this person. Please understand that.

 

  • Engaging in impulsive and self-destructive behaviors (spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating etc.): Speaking for myself here, I would have to say this is one of the prominent signs of BDP. As I said earlier, persons with BDP feel and express emotions way more than the average human being. When I go into a depressive episode (could last for a few hours or a few days), I tend to either impulsively overeat or I drink alcohol. Or both all at once. I know this is wrong for me (I’ll talk about unhealthy coping habits another time) but the thought process can either be one out of the two: I do these horrible things to myself because I’m punishing myself for not being normal or I do these horrible things to myself to help me forget the reason(s) why I’m in this depressive episode. People with BDP don’t overdrink at parties or have unprotected sex to prove anything to anyone and they don’t do it for attention either.

 

  • Unstable self-image/sense of self: Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I can either switch from “The Old Beyonce has been cancelled, I have taken her place” to “Why do I even exist? I hate myself.” There is literally no in between. That’s what is meant by having an unstable sense of self. It switches just. like. that. The tiniest series of events can trigger this; like thinking of something that was said or done way back in 2000, stuff like that. Hence the reason people may ask you “Why are you acting like this? You were so happy yesterday.” It just happens and I honestly can’t explain why. The brain is a tricky fella.

 

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  • Showing a pattern of being in unstable relationships: Okay so like whoa. I haven’t even started writing about this yet and I feel personally attacked. So, I’ll end with my own personal experiences like last time. I get attached to people easily. When someone starts giving me attention and showing me that they care about me, well… Homeboy gonna like… get it. Then, eventually, I end up getting hurt… Everytime (When would Antoria learn? When would she open up her eyes and realize that men are trash? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z.) I always tend to see the good in people and I always believe that this next person is gonna be the person to finally make me happy but nope. Nope, that’s not how it works. I feel as though this is changing in my life though because these days I’m feeling myself try to find happiness in myself and not in others and I no longer want to commit to anything long term with anyone anymore. I want to learn to love being by myself. And you should too.

 

Thank you for reading through this ridiculously long post! I promise to keep them shorter (a promise is a comfort to a fool oops). I hope I helped better educate you guys on these two mental illnesses that I addressed and I hope by sharing really personal sides of myself that you realize that this is real and that someone who you’re very close to could be suffering in silence. Please be there for them. Until next time, have a good one. 🙂

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