I think this is probably gonna turn into one of those posts where I vent my life away because I honestly don’t know how to get myself out of this emotional slump that I’m currently EMBEDDED in.
I feel like I’m trapped.
Imagine you’re in one of those games where you have the task of getting through this more-than-difficult labyrinth. And in this labyrinth, at every corner and every turn, you’re flooded with all your suppressed traumas, emotions and unresolved issues in an attempt to throw you off track and make you forget your progress in solving this insanely hard puzzle and then you find yourself back at square one.
Yeah. That’s exactly what I mean when I say I feel trapped.
In every aspect of my life, whenever I personally feel as though I’m making some sort of progress, just like that, somehow my past creeps up on me and decides to remind me that I’m not anywhere close to being mentally freed from this past trauma. Knowing this, I’m sent into this never-ending spiral where I feel as though I have no control of myself nor the things that are happening around me. And I’m pretty certain I’ve experienced this sentiment already on my blog but damn, this feeling is so constant.
I’ve been trying to work on my relationships with people, particularly those of the opposite sex. I’ve had reaaaaalllly bad experiences with guys in my past (I mean, who hasn’t?) and I’ve been trying to change the way in which I portray myself in any sort of relationship and I’ve also been trying to correct the way in which I allow myself to become overly attached, overly too soon and to be fair it has been working fairly well. I even tried to train myself to trust people more. But then that went straight out the window a couple days ago so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
I’ve been working overtime trying to fix and redirect the way my brain thinks.
Trying not to let my anxiety get the best of me, y’know? But it always seems to bring up so many different parts of my past that I could’ve sworn I had gotten over. And it makes me sad to know that I still have so many things that I need to fix. This slump that I’m in should actually be motivating me more, shouldn’t it? To push forward and work on different ways to effectively and finally overcome some of the trauma that have been unconsciously weighing down on my mind and my heart huh?
I’ll be honest with you; I feel everything but motivated to push through.
I have no idea where to begin. I mean, I know I have to get up, that’s the easy part.
But how do I start? How does one begin to dismantle the multiple stresses on their lives?
I hope after getting some rest tonight, I get some sort of epiphany and I hit the ground running. Until then, I’ll just continue being a prisoner to my past.